A Co•Creative Path

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Conflict

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I have found conflict to be inevitable – with most of us choosing the fight or flight pattern. I have also found that conflict can be transforming if we surrender to it in humility and hope.

Conflict is a vital and healthy part of life. It is where supposedly incompatible perspectives, values, and desires compete for control. It is apparent in both our inner and outer world – internal and relational conflict often overwhelms our lives and the world we live in. Our orientation toward judgment and dysfunctional patterns fuels our fight or flight response.

Conflict is vital for empowerment. Successful collaboration embraces conflict in an attempt to meet the needs of everyone. In the context of awareness, communication, and agreement, conflict can be transfomed  for win/win solutions and co-creative synergy.

Conflict Transformation

The mediation model is designed as a collaborative approach to problem solving. In contrast to the win/lose approach of competition and litigation, mediation moves beyond compromise to craft solutions where everyone’s values are repected and needs are met. The process incorporates conscious communication and participatory decision making principles:

  1. Identify the problem – with respect of everyone’s perspective without evaluation
  2. Clarify the issues – with exploration of all aspects
  3. Generate options – with priorities and creative solutions that meet everyone’s need
  4. Negotiate resolution – with clarity of agreement

I find the mediation process to easily be incorporated in conscious communication and is inherent in the process of Sociocracy.

Agreement

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Agreement is an area I have often found elusive – with relationships ranging from unspoken expectations to formalized contracts, with a vast disconnect between. As part of our struggle to communicate, I have found clear agreement to be a challenge not to be overlooked.

Agreement is the foundation that must be laid for relationships and organization to be built upon. Without clear agreement we only have personal expectation and assumption to guide the process. Graceful agreement is another prerequisite for successful collaboration. The following law and principles are taken from The Book of Agreement: 10 Essential Elements for Getting the Results You Want by Stuart Levine. You can find the 10 Elements of Agreement are here.

LAW OF AGREEMENT

Collaboration is established in language by making implicit (talking to yourself about what you think the agreement is)  and explicit (discussing the agreement with others) agreements.

PRINCIPLES OF AGREEMENT

  1. The source of productivity and fulfillment in personal and professional relationships is effective collaboration.  The more seamless the collaboration, the stronger the results.
  2. We work and live in a “sea” (context) of agreement.
  3. We never learned the essential elements of an effective  agreement.
  4. Clear agreements are empowering.  They express a shared vision and a road map to desired results.
  5. Clear agreements improve the chances for satisfaction.  They set up the conditions that produce delighted clients, customers, teammates, colleagues, vendors, and family members.
  6. Practice enables you to craft masterful agreements.
  7. Collaboration and agreement for results is simple, but it is not easy.  It requires thoughtfulness and clear thinking on the front end, before you move into action, and a commitment to get through conflicts.
  8. No matter how clear and complete the agreement, everything will not be addressed–conflicts and differences will arise that you must be prepared to resolve.
  9. Breakdowns are not a cause for alarm; they are to-be-expected opportunities for creativity.
  10. Resolving conflicts leads to new agreements.

Establishing Agreement

I use the Blueprint of We as a collaborative process for building agreement. The process and components provide a creative structure to continue to cultivate interpersonal awareness and conscious communication, and paves the way for ongoing dialogue, decision making, and conflict transformation. It provides a clear path to custom design your relational and organizational container, establish authenticity, clarify agreements, navigate conflict, and determine time frames.

Participatory Decision Making

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Decision making, as part of a group process, has been a fascination and frustration in my journey. I have struggled in meeting with decisions based on one (or even the majority) perspective. I have also struggled in meetings with that decision, based in a consensus model, coming from the person (or minority) that is least accommodating. Along the way, I have been thrilled to find tools that empower everyone’s voice and harness the creative synergy of the group.

Participatory decision making is a requirement for collaboration. It is built on the foundation of agreement and in the context of interpersonal awareness and conscious communication. It is the dynamic process of a co-creative path.

I have worked with a variety of decision making models and have found the consent based process of Sociocracy (AKA Dynamic Governance) to be the most efficient in my experience. In contrast to autocratic or democratic models, it involves the voice of everyone to guide solutions that meet all needs. In contrast to consensus, it does not seek uniform agreement but solutions based on resolved objection, the sweet spot where our range of tolerances overlap. In contrast to other models, sociocracy cultivates equivalence and empowerment of all rather than the “power over” created by the leader, the majority, or the minority.

The decision making process of Sociocracy cultivates the “rule of the socios”, those in relation to to one another. It est

Mindfulness

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I started my journey in mindful awareness over 30 years ago. I came to the realization that so much of my life was driven by fears and expectations rooted in my history and that of my ancestors. I realized my need to embark on this journey if I hoped to have fulfilling relationships. I also realized my need to have some sense of interpersonal awareness related to those around me.

Awareness is holistic in nature. It takes account of issues related to body, mind, and spirit along with concerns related to the environment we live in. It begins with self and moves out into our family, community, and world.

Self awareness is a prerequisite for collaboration, and interpersonal awareness is a prerequisite for co-creative synergy. Self awareness requires the attitude of an observer – the ability to step back and observe without evaluation. It requires an inner journey to explore beliefs, emotions, intentions, assumptions, perceptions, needs, motivation… It also requires an orientation to explore the inner world of others without judgment.

Interpersonal awareness requires self disclosure and clear expectations. It requires disclosure of each others inner world, along with clarity of the relationship and outcomes we desire. It require co-creative design for the relationship container that holds our collaborative efforts. Interpersonal awareness also requires understanding of the control issues and dysfunctional patterns we easily gravitate toward in conflict.

The Drama Triangle is a model that well describes that dysfunctional dynamic. In conflict, we can easily get trapped in the role of victim, persecutor, or rescuer. We have a long history, illustrated in religion and fairy tales, where humans have been relegated to these roles. It is these patterns, along with our need for control, that challenge our personal and collaborative awareness. The Empowerment Dynamic provides a closer look at the Drama triangle and an alternative model for reorientation.

Cultivating Awareness

The practice of mindfulness meditation has been shown throughout history to increase awareness. Mindful awareness is the simple practice of focusing our attention to the present moment. It offers an opportunity to remove ourselves from the busyness of life and the constant evaluation and judgment of our minds, and to reorient ourselves as an observer.

Studies in brain science have indicated that the practice of mindful awareness helps facilitate a shift in cognitive and behavioral patterns. HeartMath is a type of mindfulness practice that turns our attention to heart felt emotions. Studies at the Institute of HeartMath have indicated the connection of positive emotional energy necessary to create heart/brain coherence,

Conscious Communication

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The human struggle with communication continues to amaze me – the learning never stops and the complexity only deepens. Words are only one of many factors and they are only as good as the meaning that they relate to everyone involved. Much of my passion is connected to our struggle for conscious communication.

Communication is the pursuit of relational connection. It is the wireless connection that transfers information and meaning in the context of the energy of our inner reality. Interpersonal awareness is a prerequisite for conscious communication, and conscious communication is a prerequisite for effective collaboration.

Conscious communication is the result of awareness. Without awareness, our default mode is most likely rooted in our need for control. Information is processed through the filters of our life experience. The meaning of words and body language is interpreted through previous understanding and experience. Brain science indicates that our emotional memory, based on positive and negative experience, is the first receptor of information – new information produces subconscious emotional triggers that effect our reaction.

By cultivating a holistic approach to interpersonal awareness, we can learn to also listen in a holistic way. By learning to listen as an observer, we can go beyond evaluation based on our personal experience and inner world. We can not only listen to the words, but we can explore meaning based on the others experience and inner world. We can listen for the emotion behind the words and the needs behind the emotion. We can listen for understanding, practice empathy, and create intimacy.

Cultivating Conscious Communication

One if my favorite model for communication is the simple process developed by the Center for Nonviolent Communication. Also referred to as compassionate communication, the process is based on an understanding that emotion is the “energy of need”, and the goal is to give and receive empathy. Our feelings are based on needs being met or unmet – we have positive feelings when needs are met and negative feelings when needs they are unmet.

By practicing compassionate communication, interpersonal awareness is increased and relational connection is enhanced. We learn to listen without judgment, and to respond with authenticity and understanding. We learn to take responsibility for our needs and reactions, to give and receive empathy, and to make clear requests (without expectation) for what we want. The four steps of compassionate communication are an experiment in vulnerability:

  1. Observation – starting communication with “what is” rather than evaluation or judgment
  2. Feelings – exploring the emotion (energy) that is present in everyone involved
  3. Needs – exploring the met or unmet need that fuels the energy
  4. Requests – making clear requests that address the needs of everyone